Queer Questioning for Dummies

Busy shopping centre. Straight Sam and Gay Gary stand outside ‘John and Lewis’. They chat about the existential dimension of homosexuality. Sam is dressed stylishly on his way to a first date. Gary is dressed in a football top and trainers.

SAM. How have you been keeping? It’s been so long since the last time I saw you. You haven’t changed a bit even though you are… you know… how you are… well… with a man now. (Gary makes a limp hand movement towards the audience and pouts his lips)

GARY. I mean I started going to the gym to try lose some weight. I guess I am feeling a lot fitter than the last time we bummed into one another. I couldn’t fit in the closet anymore. Either I lost some weight or it was time for a trip to Ikea to get a walk-in (winks to the audience). I just figured that since all my brothers were doing it to please their wives, I should follow suit and please mine too.

SAM. (he bites his nails and stands back a bit) Yeah I was just about to ask you… Like, how does that work? Like which of you is the woman? I just don’t understand how it all works. It is such a strange concept to me. Adam and Eve; not Adam and Steve, you know. I mean you must be the man because you don’t even look gay. What is Sebastian like? Does he wear makeup? I bet you he must do dancing and the food shopping. I guess that’s good for you, eh? You marry a gay man and get his strength to bring in the grocery bags and her aptitude at doing the shopping in the first place. Just wonderful. Two for the price of one. Asda price, bum bum! (he makes an awkward laugh and silently mouths the words bum bum to himself)

GARY. (slightly more pressing) Polyga-y-my is illegal, Sam. Plus I can assure you that Sebastian has just one set of balls and one cock. He is just like you, believe it or not. He is a man. That is why I love him. Because he is a man. That is what makes me gay: my attraction to his cock. If one of us had been a woman, then guess what: it would have been Adam and Eve. I just prefer a serpent to a fruit.

SAM. I didn’t mean to offend you. I am not asking all of this to be mean or insulting or homochronic (looks visibly confused). I just generally do not understand your lifestyle. I am not saying I don’t accept it, though. It just confuses me.

GARY. (turns to the audience and takes a long pause) It’s homophobic. Point proven. (turns to SAM). There is nothing for you to understand or accept, Sam. Life and love and sex are such difficult topics to discuss and define. Science doesn’t really have any idea what goes on with it all. I think it’s probably best for you just to accept that just as you might not like Kinder Buenos, I don’t like women. In its simplest form, it’s a matter of opinion. And, let’s face it, opinion can’t be wrong since it has no truth value.

SAM. I actually love Kinder Buenos, I’ll have you know. Do you have any idea what time it is now? I’d love to stay and chat to you all day but I have a first date with a girl that I matched with on Tinder. I am super excited and hope I like her. I am quite fussy with women to be honest. If only I had met you yesterday, you could have taken me shopping to get some new clothes. I really want to impress her since she is so fit. She is just ugh…

GARY. It’s 5 o’clock now. I mean I’ll go shopping with you any day but I really have no idea about fashion trends and hemlines and guy-liner. It’s all too much for me to take in. I prefer kicking around in shorts and a t-shirt. So what is this lucky girl like?

SAM. (speaks quicker and quicker) Thanks mate. That would mean a lot. You must have some kind of fashion sense, don’t lie. You all do. But, have a look at me. Do you think I am fit and good looking? Would you date me? I just want her to think I’m a sex god. I mean, I think she is great but I don’t know what she thinks about me. She has big tits and blonde hair. She works in a clothes shop. I really fucking fancy her. You would love her too actually. She has a gay best friend, Donald. He’s from Dundee. Do you know him? You must know someone who knows him… Well? I could get her to set you up with him. See…  I love the gays. You lot just confuse me. That’s all.

GARY. (takes a deep breath) The world is a big place, Sam. There is a slim to bugger all chance that we even have a mutual friend. Do you know everyone who likes Kinder Buenos by any chance? And not to rain all over your parade but I wouldn’t date you, no. And I don’t find you hot because you aren’t a gay man. It’s like a swallow shagging an eagle. U.C.O.M.P.A.T.I.B.L.E.

SAM. That’s different though. That doesn’t even make sense. Of course I don’t know everyone who shares the same taste as me. That’s just plain stupid. The difference is that you have had a lot of time since coming out to meet people who are just like you. I mean how long have you known you have been gay? A year? Two? You have had plenty of time to find your fellow gays…

GARY. Did you wake up one day and think, ‘holy shit I fucking love Kinder Buenos now?’ or did you always crave one in your mouth?

SAM. (looks puzzled) Eh… well… to be honest… It started off as something that I had never tried but always wanted to since I’d seen other people eating them. I didn’t want to waste my money buying one and then deciding it was disgusting so I kept putting it off. One day I just found myself with one and my mind was blown. I couldn’t believe that I had went so long without trying it. I have never looked back since and I can say with 100% certainty that I love it. Somethings are just meant to be. Crazy stuff. But shit, look at the time, I better hurry! (looks stressed) Nice chatting to you. Send my wishes to Sebastian. Wish me luck. Bi…

GARY. (looking puzzled and wide eyed) Yeah… Bye… I wonder…Do all straight men like Kinder Buenos?

 

 

 

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